Penguin On The Tv by Monty Python
Penguin On The Tv lyrics
Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the
radio when it explodes. One looks at the other
First Pepperpot (Graham Chapman): We'll have to watch
the Telly-vision!
Second Pepperpot (John Cleese): Aaaaw. (sound of
agreement)
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One
turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a
small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)
Both Pepperpots: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh...
mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh
First Pepperpot: What's that on top of the telly-vision
set?
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: (matter-of-factly) Looks like a
penguin.
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: It's been a long time there, now, has
it?
First Pepperpot: What's it doin' there?
Second Pepperpot: Standin'!
First Pepperpot: I can see that!
(pause)
First Pepperpot: If it laid an egg, it would roll down
the back of the telly-vision set.
Second Pepperpot: Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.
First Pepperpot: Unless it's a male.
Second Pepperpot: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
(pause)
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from next door.
Second Pepperpot: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't
come from NEXT DOOR! They come from the Antarctic!
First Pepperpot: (yet louder) BURMA!!!
(they both stop short, looking around)
Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say that?
First Pepperpot: I panicked.
Second Pepperpot: Oh.
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.
Second Pepperpot: Which zoo?
First Pepperpot: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo
it's from?!? I'm not Doctor bloody Bernofsky!!
Second Pepperpot: 'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?
First Pepperpot: He knows everything.
Second Pepperpot: Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd
take all the mystery out of life.
(pause)
Second Pepperpot: Besides, if it were from the zoo,
it'd have "property of the zoo" stamped on it.
First Pepperpot: They don't stamp animals "property of
the zoo"!! You can't stamp a huge lion "property of the
zoo"!!
Second Pepperpot: (confidently) They stamp them when
they're small.
First Pepperpot: (snapping back) What happens when they
moult?
Second Pepperpot: Lions don't moult.
First Pepperpot: No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run
rings around you logically.
Second Pepperpot: (looks at the camera) OOOOH!
INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!
(The television warms up: a man is sitting behind a
news desk)
Man: Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and
time for the penguin on top of your television set to
explode.
(the penguin explodes)
First Pepperpot: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to
happen?!
Man: It was an inspired guess. And now...
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