Christmas Dragnet Lyrics by Stan Freberg
[Joe:]
[This is the season.My name is Wednesday, my partner is Frank Jones, the chief is Captain Kellogg.December the 24th, Christmas Eve, they brought in a guy named Grudge.When I heard what they booked him on, my blood ran cold.It was a 4096325-dash-096704: not believing in Santa Claus.4: 35 P.M. I was working the holiday watch out of Homicide with Frank.]
[Frank:]
Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?
[Joe:]
Yeah, just before I come down. You, too, Frank?
[Frank:]
Always do. Hung it up early just in case I have to work late tonight. Wouldn't wanna miss out on when Santy Claus comes, you know.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. Sure wouldn't. Would be a shame.
[Frank:]
Whatcha gonna do tomorrow, Joe? Whatcha gonna do on Christmas? Ya got any plans?
[Joe:]
Nothing much.
[Frank:]
Why don't you come by the house, Joe? We're gonna have Christmas dinner. You know, all the trimmings.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm.
[Frank:]
Turkey, celery, stuffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm.
[Frank:]
All the trimmings. Cranberry sauce. Love to have ya.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm.
[Frank:]
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks.
You know, olives, pickles, scallions.
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.
Do you ever notice that, Joe?
[Joe:]
Ever notice what, Frank?
[Frank:]
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. Scallions.
[Frank:]
Anytime after two, Joe. Love to have ya.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see.
[Frank:]
Love to have ya.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see.
[Frank:]
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks,
You know them little carrot sticks?
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm.
[Frank:]
Olives, pickles, scallions.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. Let's not go through that again.
[Frank:]
Love to have ya. Go through what again, Joe?
[Joe:]
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.
[Frank:]
Oh. You noticed that, too, huh, Joe?
[(telephone rings)]
[Joe:]
Homicide, Wednesday.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[(hangs up)]
[Frank:]
'S the matter, Joe? 'S the matter, Joe?
[Joe:]
Bringing a guy in on a 409635-dash-096704.
[Frank:]
You-you mean...
[Joe:]
Yeah. Guy don't believe in scallions. I mean Santa Claus.
[6: 29 P.M. We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa Claus: a guy named Grudge.]
Says here your name's Grudge, that right?
[Grudge:]
Yeah.
[Joe:]
Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?
[Frank:]
It's hard to believe what you said. Did you really say that?
[Grudge:]
Sure I said it. How do you know there's a Santy Claus?
Ya got a picture of him?
[Joe:]
No, no mug shot.
[Grudge:]
Any fingerprints?
[Joe:]
Mnh-mnh, no latent prints. I just know, that's all.
I't's like saying there isn't an Easter Bunny.
[Grudge:]
That's another guy there ain't no of!
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. Well, that's your story, mister.
[Frank:]
Joe, he just said that to make me feel bad, didn't he?
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there? Joe?
[Joe:]
Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you up three years ago on a 1492 for not believing in Columbus?
[Grudge:]
Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either.
[Joe:]
How about Toledo?
[Grudge:]
I, uh, I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo.
[Joe:]
Okay, mister, I get the picture now.
You don't believe in nothin', do ya?
[Grudge:]
Nothin'! And you wanna know somethin' else?
[Joe:]
What's that?
[Grudge:]
I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna walk right out of this room, 'cause you guys ain't got nothin' on me.
There ain't no law against not believin' in Santy Claus.
[Joe:]
There is in my book.
Let me tell you somethin', mister, I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night.
[Grudge:]
Huh! Pretty funny. The police department's got nothin' else to do.
[Joe:]
Let me straighten you out, buddy. This one's on Frank and me.
Right, Frank? Right, Frank?
[Frank:]
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?
You know, hippety-hoppin' down the bunny trail?
[Joe:]
[I took Grudge over to the helicopter. Got in, flew around the city for hours.I showed him department stores.]
What's hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge?
[Grudge:]
Happy people, but I ain't impressed.
[Joe:]
[I showed him stockings.]
How are those stockings hung, Grudge?
[Grudge:]
By the chimney with care. But I didn't hang none up.
[Joe:]
[I showed him children nestled all snug in their beds.]
What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?
[Grudge:]
Visions of sugarplums.
But you ain't sellin' me. There ain't no Santy Claus.
[Joe:]
[He still didn't believe. There was only one thing left to do.My job? Get to the North Pole.11: 45 P.M. We arrived at the North Pole.I set the plane down, we walked over to Santy's workshop, rang the bell.]
[(bell plays "Dragnet" theme)]
[Joe:]
Pardon me, sir, can I ask you a few questions?
[Brownie:]
Why, sure. Just tickle me to death.
[Joe:]
What do you do for a living?
[Brownie:]
I'm a brownie.
[Joe:]
What are you doing at the North Pole with a Southern accent?
[Brownie:]
Well, the boss sorta ran short on help this year, so he had to recruit a few of us brownies from the South Pole.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. That figures.
[Grudge:]
Heh-heh! What a waste of time!
[Joe:]
Could we talk to your boss, please?
[Brownie:]
Oh, he's out. You would come on the one night he's out in the whole year.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?
[Brownie:]
My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job? Feed 'em.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm, yes, sir. What do ya feed 'em?
[Brownie:]
Well, most times I fix up a little plate of relish.
Olives, pickles and them carrot sticks.
You know them little ol' carrot sticks?
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm.
[Brownie:]
And scallions.
[Joe and Brownie:]
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions.
[Brownie:]
How'd you know?
[Joe:]
Just a stab in the dark.
[The little man showed us through the workshop.]
[Brownie:]
My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon.
Say, would you all like to hear an interestin' story?
[Joe:]
Yes, sir.
[Brownie:]
Well, you see that huge pile of presents over there?
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm.
[Grudge:]
Man, look at all that stuff!
[Brownie:]
Would you believe it? They're all for the same man.
Been pilin' up here year after year.
[Joe:]
Why didn't the guy ever get 'em?
[Grudge:]
Yeah! Why?
[Brownie:]
'Cause he didn't believe in my boss. You know the rules.
[Joe:]
Mm-hmm. We know.
[Grudge:]
I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this, this guy can still --
[Brownie:]
Get the presents? Oh, sure. He gets 'em all the minute he believes.
But I don't suppose he ever will.
[Joe:]
Too bad about that guy. What's his name?
[Grudge:]
Don't say it. I don't want to hear it.
[Joe:]
Come on, Mr. Brownie. What's his name?
[Brownie:]
His name? Grudge.
[Joe:]
[The Brownie saw us to the door, wished us a merry Christmas.We were heading back to the plane when it happened.]
[Grudge:]
Hey!
[Joe:]
Yeah, Grudge?
[Grudge:]
You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?
[Joe:]
Who's that?
[Grudge:]
S-S-Santy Claus?
[Joe:]
Yes, sir?
[Grudge:]
You think I'm too old to change my mind?
[Joe:]
You're never too old, Mr. Grudge.
[Grudge:]
Well then, I-I-I believe in Santy Claus. And Columbus.
[Joe:]
How about Cleveland, Cincinnati, and the Easter Bunny?
[Grudge:]
Yeah, them, too.
[Joe:]
And Toledo?
[Grudge:]
I-I still ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!
[(sleigh bells)]
[Joe:]
Look, Grudge, up in the sky. He's coming back for the second load.
[Grudge:]
It's Santy Claus! It's Santy Claus!
[Joe:]
There's the only guy I know can make everybody happy in one night.
[Grudge:]
Yeah. He must have the biggest heart in the whole world.
[Joe:]
That's about the size of it.
Songwriter(s):
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