High On The Plane by George Carlin
Please return the stewardess to her original upright position. Airline always disappointed me. They don't have a drug stewardess. They have an alcohol stewardess. "Champagne, red wine, white wine" "White wine?..champagne..white wine..champagne (repeats list quickly)" Think they could spare one girl to come down the aisle- "PCP, trips, cokes, smokes, shit, get high."
Because getting high on the plane used to be half the fun. You can't smoke in the lavatories at all any more. Not even Virginia Burley. So if you're gonna smoke a joint, better be an old pro. Smoking, or rather, getting high on the airplane; I like that better because its semantic possibilities. If you were the first person up in an airplane, you'd say, "Look, they're high in the airplane!" And indeed, we are that; we're high in the airplane. High in the airplane. They always keep telling me at the airport "Get on the plane", I say "Fuck you, I'm getting in!" Let the daredevils get on!
But we call it being high on the plane; they're high on the plane.. If you're an aeronautical engineer...and you really like the design, you might be high on the plane! And then if you got high on the plane, you'd be triple high on the plane unless you got high before you got high on the plane. 'cause you won't be high on the plane.. Well, let's put it this way. You can get off and get on or you can get on and get off, man.
I used to like to smoke up in the forward lavatory. 'Cause I figured that the mirror was two way and that the crew was watching, y'know. Always offering the crew a hit, naturally. "Hey, c'mon.." Then I relax a little- have the thing locked "occupied" Okay! Looking in the little slots and shit. Then you get high on the plane, 'course it depended what airline you were on whether the suction in the sink was any good. TWA always had the best sink suction as far as I was concerned for you traveling head. (makes loud suction sound) WOW! My hair used to straighten out, man! I lost ideas in those sinks, man!
But you have to keep it open and I was a real dummy for several years; I used to press down on the drain which gives you a red ring on the heel of your hand. Like..powder burns, they gotcha, man. "Lookit the guy with the red ring. C'mon and take him away!" So I found you could put some soap in there or a piece of the cup; keep it open. Then you have to decide if you're gonna smoke in the bathroom on the plane, you have to decide if you're gonna make-believe you're taking a shit or not. 'Cause making-believe if someone busted in like a guy from Texas comes through with an ax, man. You wanna be ready taking a regular shit. You don't wanna be arrested for shitting through your pants, right? "As long as I get rid of the joint, I don't care what the charge is." Shitting with your pants on...
Anyway, you get a little... high and the light goes on. "Return to cabin" Oh, oh, something's up. They need me! Knew I shouldn't have left them alone. And on your way out, you see another sign. 'Cause you're really into detail now. It says, "Please wash up for the next guy". And so you know you didn't do anything in the sink much but.. you do have 'felon's guilt', so you decide to wash up for the other guy and you even wash off the grey bubbles on the soap that the old guy made and you start to wash off the fixtures and **** and the mirror looks like it needs a little bit.. Pretty soon, you're doing the walls, man! "Any more babble out there?!
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